Feeling like you’re not doing well enough as a mother is an experience that many women suffer with. How can you dismantle this difficult feeling?
Guilt is something that nearly every parent will experience at some point. Whether it’s the nagging feeling that you’re not doing enough or the worry that you’re doing it all wrong, guilt can creep into your mind and settle in, making even the most confident parents doubt themselves. But here’s the truth – parental guilt is often based on unrealistic expectations and, more importantly, it’s something you can learn to manage. So, how can you liberate yourself from this negative cycle of emotions and distance yourself from any impossible expectations you might have placed yourself under?
Where does guilt stem from?
Parental guilt often comes from the high standards we set for ourselves. In a world where social media constantly showcases perfect family moments and society puts pressure on parents to ‘have it all’, it’s easy to feel like you’re falling short. Perhaps you’re working full-time and worry you’re not spending enough time with your little ones. Maybe you gave in to screen time after a long day, or you lost your temper during a stressful moment. These situations can trigger ‘mom guilt’ because they conflict with this idealised version of parenthood we all have in our minds.
Advice overload
There’s also the societal pressure to conform to certain parenting ideals. We are bombarded with advice from well-meaning friends, family members and endless experts, each with their own views on what ‘good parenting’ looks like. Whether it’s breastfeeding versus bottle-feeding, stay-at-home parenting versus working outside the home, or strict discipline versus gentle parenting, the sheer number of choices can leave you feeling like you’re always making the wrong decision.
However, it’s essential to recognise that these ideals are often unrealistic. No one is perfect, and the pursuit of perfection can be more harmful than helpful. Children don’t need perfect parents – they need loving, attentive ones who try their best. The key is to understand that guilt is a natural response, but it doesn’t have to control your actions or define your parenting journey.
Your mental health
Parental guilt can have a profound impact on your mental and emotional wellbeing. Constantly questioning your decisions and feeling like you’re not measuring up can lead to chronic stress, anxiety and even depression. When you’re stuck in a cycle of guilt, it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture, focusing on any minor mistakes or perceived shortcomings instead of celebrating your successes.
The effect on others
These feelings can also strain your relationships. When you’re consumed by guilt, you might find it hard to be fully present with your children or partner, leading to a sense of disconnection. Over time, this can create a negative feedback loop, where your guilt leads to more stress, which in turn fuels more guilt.
Challenge your expectations
A starting point to combating parental guilt is to challenge the unrealistic expectations you’ve set for yourself. Begin by acknowledging that perfection is unattainable. Everyone makes mistakes and that’s okay. Instead of striving to be the ideal parent, aim to be a good one – you’ll soon find that this shift in mindset can be incredibly freeing.
Social media
Another important step is to tune out external pressures. The curated images of perfect families on social media never tell the whole story. Everyone has their struggles, and comparing yourself to an unrealistic standard is a recipe for dissatisfaction. Encourage yourself to bring your focus back to your own family’s needs and circumstances, rather than trying to live up to someone else’s ideal.
What matters to you?
It’s also helpful to revisit your own values and priorities. What kind of parent do you truly want to be? What values do you want to instil in your children? By clarifying your own parenting goals, you can better filter out the noise from outside influences and make decisions that are in line with what matters most to you.
Perfection isn’t real
Embracing imperfection doesn’t mean lowering your standards; it means being kinder to yourself when things don’t go as planned. If you lose your temper, acknowledge it, apologise if necessary and move on. If you have to work late, remind yourself that you’re providing for your family and quality time matters more than quantity.
Leading the way
It’s also important to recognise that mistakes might actually be opportunities for growth for both you and your children. When you mess up, you show your kids how to handle mistakes with grace and resilience. Apologising to your child when you’re wrong shows them that it’s okay to be imperfect and that taking responsibility is what is important.
Be kind to yourself
Practising self-compassion is another huge step along the road to managing parental guilt. Raising kids is hard work and you’re doing the best you can! Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend in a similar situation – after all, you’re trying, learning and growing.
The important part
At the end of the day, what matters most is the love and connection you have with your children. They won’t remember whether you gave them organic snacks every day, but they will remember how you made them feel. With this in mind, try to prioritise spending meaningful time with your little ones, actively listening to them and being present. It’s these moments that shape their childhood and your relationship with them.
The bigger picture
To focus on what truly means most, it can be helpful to regularly take a step back and reflect on the bigger picture. Are your children healthy, happy, and loved? If the answer is yes, then you’re doing a great job. Don’t let those small slip-ups or any perceived failures overshadow the positive impact you’re having on your little ones’ lives.
Celebrate your victories
Another way to shift your focus is to celebrate your parenting wins, no matter how small they might seem. Did you make your child laugh today? Did you manage to stay calm during a tantrum? These moments are victories and recognising them can help balance out the negative feelings that guilt often brings.
Parenting is a journey, not a destination. There will always be ups and downs, but each day is an opportunity to learn and to strengthen your bond with your children.
Ask for help
If you find that parental guilt is overwhelming and it’s genuinely affecting your wellbeing, it’s important to seek support. This might mean talking to a trusted friend, joining a parenting group, or seeking professional help. Sometimes, just sharing your feelings with others who understand can be incredibly reassuring.
Professional support
Therapists or counsellors can also help you work through your pervasive feelings of guilt and develop strategies for managing them. They can offer a neutral perspective and help you challenge negative thought patterns that might be contributing to why you feel this way.
Ultimately, letting go of parental guilt isn’t about ignoring your responsibilities or being complacent – it’s really about recognising that you’re human. So, ask for help and keep what’s important in mind, because you deserve to free yourself from the burden of guilt and enjoy the journey of parenthood with confidence and joy. You’re doing great!
Image Credit: ShutterStock