We talk to Maša Karleuša Valkanou, a CDA-licensed psychologist and a certified systemic family psychotherapist, all about separation anxiety, what you can do as a parent, and what to avoid.
Separation anxiety in babies, toddlers and young kids is very common and to be expected. Most of us find saying goodbye very difficult but, with age and maturity, we learn to cope in different ways. Parents, especially mothers, can find it difficult to leave their babies for more than a few hours. Don’t worry if this is you, because it’s completely natural! Behind this feeling is a biological function, as babies are not meant to be left without their primary caregiver. They cannot survive on their own, and the biology of the parent-infant relationship is in tune with this, to keep little ones safe, healthy and happy. However, beyond a certain age and stage, separation anxiety, coming either from the mum or from the child, can hinder their development and progress.
Why do healthy children feel separation anxiety?
Anxiety is a natural inbuilt response to separation from the mother figure and is also a function of age. It’s the uncertainty that comes from little ones feeling as though they’re suddenly without the love, care and reassurance of their main caregiver – usually mum or dad! It’s common for kids to be attached to an adult, and to only one or two favourite adults in particular, that cannot be replaced in their eyes. Separation anxiety is absolutely normal to go through at a variety of ages, and is usually nothing to worry about, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy to handle!
How long does it typically last?
Separation anxiety starts around 8 months into a baby’s life. Some children will not show it as much, whereas with some children, it can be intense and prolonged until 3 or 4 years old.
Recognising spearation anxiety
Separation anxiety occurs when a child cries, doesn’t want to leave the parent, doesn’t like staying at school, with grandparents, other children and so on. One of the big signs is when your child is attached to a particular person (usually mum!), or to certain rituals around any situation that demands separation.
What are the behaviours and stages?
Children aged between 1 and 4 years old will generally show a common and predictable set of behaviours when faced with the idea of parting ways with their mother or caregiver. It’s completely normal for them to fear this, as they may not be able to understand the idea that their mother will definitely return. This ‘separation’ might be triggered as you wave goodbye to your little ones, when you’re going out to work, or even when dropping them off somewhere enjoyable, like a relative’s house or the day care.
It does happen that mums unavoidably need to go away for a longer period sometimes, whether for work or just through unusual circumstances. If this is ever the case for you, it’s good to understand how your little one is likely to respond, so you can prepare and support them. Separation anxiety tends to unfold through three phases – protest, despair, and detachment. Let’s take a deeper dive into each of these below.
The protest phase
In the protest phase, little ones may cry loudly, ask for their mother, throw themselves around, show anger and rejection of other people, or cling to whoever is present. In this phase, children expect their mother to return and this can last from a few hours to a week or more. This is the ‘everyday’ experience of separation anxiety that most parents see in their little ones and for most kids, this is the only phase they experience.
The despair phase
In prolonged separation of more than a week, the next phase is despair. Children can have feelings of hopelessness, they may become physically inactive or cry. In these situations kids will often be withdrawn. ‘Everyday’ separation anxiety does not fall into this category.
The detachment phase
The third phase is detachment, when children hold everything together until their mum returns. In this phase, it looks like little ones have totally recovered. They can accept other people’s care, food, toys and general interactions. Kids may even smile and be sociable. For all intents and purposes it seems as if they are feeling settled again! However, in this phase when their mother returns, children will often ignore her at the beginning and not act as loving and warm as usual. With enough reassurance and affection, kids will gradually return to their normal selves.
How can parents help sooth their child’s anxiety?
How can you help your little one when they are upset at parting ways in a short-term instance? Faced with a child’s anxiety, a parent should first calm themselves down. Quickly check in with your state of body and mind. Helpful questions to ask yourself include:
- Am I breathing faster?
- Is my heart racing?
- Am I worried?
- How do I feel?
- Am I panicking as a reaction to my child being upset?
Stay grounded
Take a deep breath and understand that both you and your child are safe, even though your little one is upset. Remind yourself that the situation is well within the coping capacities of both you and the child; you should show your little one that all is well. Understanding your state of mind, taking a moment to calm down and trusting yourself as a parent goes a long way towards staying grounded.
Communicate
The second step to focus on is talking to your child. Reassure them that this situation is safe, explain what will happen now and what will happen next, and offer a few practical tips to make the situation more bearable. When you provide emotional understanding, validate their feelings, offer empathy, and practical steps to take, you will set your child up for a much better outcome.
Discuss
Next, ask your child questions. Try to get an idea of what they imagine will happen and what is going on from their point of view, to gain an understanding around why exactly this situation elicits fear. The aim is to try to understand precisely what your child’s difficulty is.
Be firm
The last step is to know when to set a boundary. After talking, hugging, kissing and explaining, consider being gentle but firm. This requires you to show faith in your child, in their ability to handle the situation and be fine without you having to regulate them further. Always use your parental judgement as each scenario is different, but bear in mind that your child’s upset is natural. It doesn’t usually do any real harm, but is simply their expression of fear, and is part of their development and growing up. Your job is not to guard them against life’s pain and struggles but to equip them to manage. Support them as much as you can in learning how to deal with them, treading a careful balance of reassurance and giving them the space to deal with it on their own.
What are the key takeaways?
Try to monitor your feelings, signals and reactions around separation, as children tend to mirror what they are shown. Another important takeaway is to have balance. It’s good to operate “in the middle” as a parent – to offer love, emotional support and validation, to talk, to question, to answer, to try to understand from different angles, to sit with children’s discomfort and upset, but equally to know when enough is enough. Parents should recognise when they need to set a boundary, when it’s healthier to let your child try to cope on their own. It’s a very difficult thing to integrate into your parenting, but try to remind yourself that kids need to win their own battles (with your support!) to grow into their best selves!
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